Moms spend a lot of time teaching our children how to become responsible and caring individuals. Oftentimes these lessons involve the words, “Don’t you care what people think of you?” or some variation on that theme. While it’s true we want to be (and want our children to be) contributing, appreciated members of society, sometimes worrying TOO MUCH about what others will think stands in the way of our doing that.
Don’t know what I mean? Have you ever chosen NOT to invite a friend over when you really wanted to see her just because the house is a little messy?
Have you ever talked your kids out of a day trip to the pool or beach because secretly you were dreading being in public in a swimsuit? Or, did you go ahead and go but then you suffered the entire time paranoid about what you looked like?
Perhaps you’ve put off joining the gym that you really want to join since you’ve heard great things about the classes and you don’t have equipment or space at home but you don’t want to go and be surrounded by a bunch of fit individuals who you assume will be looking down on you when you struggle.
Maybe you agreed to run the bake sale when you knew you would be short on time and energy since you were afraid that the volunteer chairperson would be upset if you declined. You, of course, manage to pull off a great bake sale, but you end up missing your son’s soccer game and don’t sleep at all the night before the bake sale so that you can finish bagging and tagging all the items.
Don’t get me wrong. Sometimes peer pressure can be a good thing. I get to the gym more days than not because I don’t want to let my best friend down who is counting on me as a workout partner. She is also the same friend who walks right into my house and makes herself at home and expects me to do the same at her house. My other good friend cajoled me into daily trips to our neighborhood pool last summer to keep her company while our kids swam together. As a result, my youngest daughter was swimming like a fish by the end of the summer. And, if you’re a regular reader, you know my friend and I volunteered each other for a field trip and class party which both ended up being a lot of fun since we did them together.
So, how do you let yourself benefit from the positive effects of peer pressure without falling victim to the negative? It turns out, this is actually pretty easy. Pretend you are giving advice to the 16-year old version of yourself. If you happen to have a teenage child, it’s even more effective to pretend you are advising him or her.
Do remember when you were a teen and your parents would tell you that although having designer jeans seemed like the most important thing in the world at the time and you wouldn’t die if you didn’t have them? “It doesn’t matter what the kids at school think. You won’t even be friends with most of them five years from now.” Stupid grown-ups. They don’t know anything. They probably didn’t even have jeans when my parents were teenagers. Maybe THEY didn’t have the same friends five years after high school because they were so clueless about what it takes to be popular!
Any of this sound familiar? Take a minute to call your parents and apologize for being a know-it-all teen and then take another minute to realize you’re finally as smart as they were when they were trying to save you from your stupid mistakes. If you tap into that inner wisdom, here’s what you already know and need to remember:
Your Real Friends Want What’s Best For You
The people you should surround yourself with should be people who make you a better person. For more on this topic, read “Want To Be A Better Person? Pick Better Friends.” Good, loyal friends will want you to be happy and will help you to be. Be wary of friends who need company for their misery. That “friend” who likes to criticize your style, parenting or eating habits isn’t looking out for your interests, she’s trying to make herself feel better by pushing you down. My best friend and I don’t agree on everything, but when we do disagree we don’t try to make the other person feel bad for her opinion. I love that we’re different because it makes me think about things in different ways. You don’t need to make sure your friends are carbon copies of you since the differences will help you grow as a person. Just make sure you can be supportive of one another and appreciate, not resent, the differences.
You Can’t MAKE Other People Be Happy
For a long time I considered it a personal mission to try and drive negativity out of people around me. If someone was cruel or unkind, I thought I could somehow change them by modeling kindness. While I still believe it’s important to model good behavior (especially if your kids are watching!), I eventually figured out that some people will be miserable no matter what you do. Why waste time and energy doing things that make you unhappy on the very slim chance that it will make someone else happy? It doesn’t make sense. If you really want to help out at your child’s school book fair because you love books and enjoy helping others, then by all means, sign up to volunteer! However, if you dread doing it but are afraid that the PTO board is going to bad-mouth you to all the other parents, skip it. Chances are, they won’t say a thing. If they do: 1) That type of cattiness reflects more negatively on them than on you, and 2) If they’re so quick to gossip about you, they were going to do it anyway. That leads me to my next point.
Mean People Will Be Mean
If someone bullies your child, do you tell your child to give in to whatever the bully wants so that he or she stops? No! You tell your child to stand up to the bully or to tell a responsible adult who can intercede and stop the behavior. So why would you change your behavior to avoid being talked down to or gossiped about by a vindictive person (aka “bully”)? If someone is a gossip, she will find a way to gossip, no matter what. People who constantly criticize, belittle, or berate those around them do so because they don’t like something about themselves and want to keep the focus elsewhere. Rather than take it personally, you should feel pity for these poor, lost souls because they are the only ones who can fix their own problems. Unless you are their spouse or parent, you will have little power over improving their low self-esteem.
Act Right And You’ll Be Right
As long as you are behaving in a way that you believe is right (or good or proper), who cares what someone else has to say about it? I didn’t figure this out until I had children. Several of my husband’s sisters followed their mother’s example and had very strict nap and feeding schedules for their kids. I think that’s a great way to raise your children since it provides structure. Unfortunately, it didn’t fit into my personality or life so I was much more flexible. I knew this would invite criticism because it was so different from how my sisters-in-law parented, but I was confident that what I was doing was right for me and my children so I truly didn’t care what others thought about it. It was a slower process applying this new attitude to the rest of my life, but for the most part, I’m there. Like everything else in life–marriage, parenting, exercise, healthy eating–every once in awhile I get off track and have to remind myself to focus.
The point is, you know yourself better than anyone else does, so only you really know what is right for you. None of us is perfect, so go ahead and seek advice from others and conform to different behaviors when you admire them in someone else. Just be sure that when you are letting others influence you, you are doing it because it is helping to make you a better person.
Great post. I think we can all use a little self-love daily. It’s hard to love others when you can’t love yourself.
Such a great post! It’s so easy to feel overly responsible for other people’s feelings in regards to situations that we really have no control over.
I don’t think I ever particularly cared what others thought of me–I just tried to be the best ME I could be. Maybe because of that most people have accepted me for who I am–It is difficult to teach this to children but must be done somehow!
Yes, you never know what anyone might be going through.
I am definitely one of those people who could care a less about what others think.
I love this…and you definitely can’t please everyone and you shouldn’t even try. Just be a good person, and gravitate towards those who are also good to you. Great post!
I’ve tried to teach my kids to be themselves and not change for anyone. But I’ve also taught them to have respect for people around them, and themselves especially. So if you’re acting like a goof ball or doing something just to make you look cool, think about it are you doing it for you or someone else? Id the answer isn’t for you, then you’re wrong :).
Dawn, I love the way you put it!
Awesome post! I definitely agree, none of us is perfect. Thanks for this great reminder.
Great lessons! I need implement them more in my life!
What a fantastic post! I was guilty of some of these in the past, the older I get the far less important the opinions of others (especially strangers!) becomes. 🙂
This post is just awesome. Act the way you would tell your 16 year old self to act. Exactly!
This is really good advice!
Fantastic post, I still find myself all too often caring what others think but I used to really care. Now that I’m older I find there are far more important things but every once and a while I fall back into caring.
This is a great reminder! love the post! xo xo
Great points!
This is a great reminder. I know sometimes I worry about what others will think, but I also want to be an individual. That’s something I try to teach my kids and need to practice myself!
Great thoughts! You are right about all the points made here. I give into peer pressure so easily but I am also quick in realizing that I am doing it and back track. Sometimes, it is a constant struggle. And I do know that peer pressure is good for a certain measure but too much will ruin your day. 🙂
This is a fantastic post. I personally am one that has never really cared what other people think of me. I remember when I first started dating my husband, we fell asleep while watching TV. My grandmother about had a heart attack the next morning and said “What will the neighbors thinks that his car was here all night and just left this morning?” My first thought was who the hell cares what they think and it has pretty much been my mantra ever since.
As hard as it may be, I have had to learn to not care what others think. Growing up, I was never as good as my brother. I played second fiddle to him constantly. I wasn’t as good in school, sports or anything as he was and my parents we always letting me know this. I grew up thinking that I was alone with this in my head until my Hubby came along and noticed the same thing. This has always continued into my adulthood. My brother to this day gets preferential treatment. It was not until I was in my 30’s that two of my Aunt’s told me that they was he was treated was a huge issue with my Mom’s parents and that I needed to let it go and not worry about it. So in my early 30’s I set my mind to letting it all go and giving up on what other people thought of me and let me tell you, life has been so much easier since then. I have weeded out those that were in my life because I thought that I needed them when really they were not important in my life at all. Life is drama free now and fantastic!
Great advice, we all need the reminder sometimes!
Great post. It can be difficult to teach children the difference between caring what others think and knowing how and when to act a certain way and do certain things.
Awesome post!!!!! I really enjoyed reading it!! I care way too much what others think about me and sometimes do things out of guilt. I have a REALLY hard time saying no to people. This is something that I have been trying to work on
I’m pretty sure most people think the world of you. Clearly, you are generous with your time and energy. I’m sure people will be amazed by you no matter what you do (or don’t do). 🙂
I like — act right and you’ll be alright!!! There are many people who will spend their whole life unhappy trying to make others happy all the time NO way to LIVE!
It is so true! We waste so much time worrying about what other people think, when they probably aren’t thinking what we think they are anyway! Everyone has their own insecurities so we don’t need to worry about them thinking about ours!
What great tips and advice. I think the older I get, the less I care about what people think. I have a 22 year old and she cares a lot about what others think. I will have her read this.
I love this post. We can spend so much time trying to impress others that it is easy to lose focus. I am thankful I am free from that kind of thinking, but boy it is pervasive these days. Great post!
Wonderful post! It is so true that we let what other people thing matter way too much! All that should matter is what we think of ourselves 🙂
Thank you for saying it like it truly is! Great advice and very true!
This is the best post I have read in a long time. I work with my 15 year old son about being the “real” young man that he is. I have found he is very comfortable with who he is. I wish I would have had a good support system as a child. However, I have always been rebellious and never cared much for what other people thought of me. It is really important to stay true to yourself and to focus on being kind. I also let go of all the people that were negative and waiting for me to fail. I would rather have 5 real friends that love and support me than 100.
Thank you for your kind words Melinda! I wish I had always been confident and self-assured as you seem to have been, but sadly for me it was a slow process and one that needs an occasional kick start. I hate when I see friends or family members torture themselves needlessly though over someone else’s negativity. I bet you have been a wonderful example for your son!
With all of the weirdness and trolls flaming the fires on the web, a post like this is refreshing to read.
Thank you.
Thanks Tony! I enjoyed your post today as well. It had me dancing in my seat–loved the song. Glad I wasn’t in the video for the waterslide fails!
Amazing post, I’m really self criticising at the moment, every little thing that isn’t perfect gets me riled up (and as nothing is ever perfect…) thank you for a brilliantly timed post.
Sound advice here… Only you can decide what is best for you and what is acceptable. I’ve found as I’ve gotten older that age alone has power to resist those negative thoughts. As we age, we experience all people have the same or similar thoughts as we, and honestly, people don’t care. They are too wrapped up in their own thoughts.
Great post! I try not to let what other people think of me rule my life. Some times I fall prey, but life is life. You fall, you get up. And do whatever you feel is right for you.
This is such great advice! I still worry too much about what people think but I am doing better about accepting myself as I am.
This is such great advice! I tell women to treat themselves like they would their best friend–unconditional love, with no critical or harsh words. We are our own worst enemies! Lucille Ball said “Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.”
That is a great quote! It sums up my entire point perfectly. Thanks for stopping by!