While I wish you had chosen a kinder tact for making your points, I appreciate the insights you’ve shared in your comment. I love that as parents, we can share opinions, beliefs, and practices with one another so that we can each strive to be the best parent we’re capable of being in a way that works for us as individuals. You made several great points and I hope other readers take the time to consider all sides of the issue.

You are completely missing the meaning of putting the child first. What you really need to do is think before you act. Today, many parents are still emotionally children themselves, taking away the possibility of doing what is best for the child. What that really means is keeping in mind what effect your actions will have on your child. Asking yourself if you are encouraging your child to think for him/herself. If you’re encouraging self discipline and the ability to confidently push through when things get tough.
Good parenting is hard!! Every interaction an excellent parent has with a child needs to be with that child’s best interest at heart.
Parents want kids to show off to their peers, but they’re usually too selfish and/or lazy to put the work in for the child’s sake. I could write a book here because parenting is complicated. So, get yourself a book or two or a dozen and read every word and follow the advice and you just might be a decent parent. Approach parenting as if you’re taking a test that will either make or break your future, because if you get it wrong everyones life will be miserable. I recommend P.E.T. By Dr. Thomas Gordan for starters.

Your example was so great. I related to it also. Thanks for sharing .

Dear Laura,
I suggest you dissolve your partnership as red flags are evident for both of you. The fact that you wrote the blog and admitted to all these problems, and questioned your own self-reflection and judgement; “I’m not sure this is a healthy relationship to even continue” CLEARLY answers your own question! I would not want to have a baby with this person! There is high likelihood that his immaturity was front and center of the marriage and divorce.
Trust in yourself! You know the right path! Focus on yourself and good health and stop wasting your life in a co-dependent relationship. One step at a time, one day at a time, and you will feel strength from within.
His child needs him, and he isn’t equipped to equally care for both of you! His moral obligation is to his dependent child, and should be supported, and tolerated with patience. If he only sees his child infrequently, then the child is already at a disadvantage and missing vital parenting, which will probably affect him for the rest of his life. It’s no secret that children of divorce grow up to have life-long issues from these types of experiences.
If you live together, then you should be willing to dedicate time for the child when he is there because you have all the non-custody time alone when the child is with his mother, otherwise, you are creating a barrier to the child’s sense security.
You knew he had a child when you met him, so the child’s sense of security, well-being, and sense of family are now YOUR responsibility too. This was your choice, and remember, the child was given NO choices in the divorce, or in his father’s choice of partner, but I’ll go out on a limb and say that the child would not have chosen any of this! The 7 y/o didn’t sideline you for 2 years, that was your choice. YOU sidelined yourself and have invited these circumstances and you should own your poor judgement in partners.

A 7 year old’s brain isn’t developed enough to be deliberately controlling. He’s just reacting (clingy) instinctively to the negativity towards his presence. He just needs his father, and needs not to feel threatened by his father’s lack of responsibility, but moreso, his father doesn’t need a high maintenance partner, who can’t care for herself whilst trying to bring another child into this unstable situation. I’ll be the voice for the child and state that you are controlling and clingy, which is the type of partner he is attracted to.
Your partner is entirely ill-focused in his priorities, and obviously confused by the circumstances and his grandiose delusions of wearing a cape, and trying to live up to the expectations of providing artificial happiness in the form of a baby.

A baby will not heal you or the relationship.
A baby could increase stress in so many ways! You are only thinking of the “cute and fun stuff” but are not taking into account that the opposite could happen, and your baby is not born healthy. Are you prepared to sit at the hospital bed of a severely deformed child struggling to live? Nobody is prepared for it!
New mothers are severely sleep-deprived even with a healthy baby!
Focus on regaining your health only!

Your story is the perfect example of all I talk about in the post. You are doing such a great job as a mom, and look at how your sons are responding! Thanks for commenting. I’m sure your story will encourage other moms.

Growing up my mother sacrificed everything for my dad, my sister and I. She made home-cooked meals most of the time, kept an immaculate house…the picture perfect 50’s style wifedom. But she was freaking miserable!! She had no friends, no outside interests. She would even refuse to go to the doctor or dentist, wore hand me down ragged clothes, and my dad’s old glasses in order to see. But it was almost like it was worn as a badge of honor, the ‘look at what I gave up for you!’ The only time she was truly happy was when she worked outside the home, which she didn’t do – most of the time she was a hermit. It’s as if she had this unhealthy drive to care for others to the point of completely unending yourself.

I have 2 teenage boys and feel a push and pull dynamic. The work I do now provides a living for us but I have no passion. I would love to be able to provide them with what they want (oldest wants a car – we share one for now) but in order to do that I would have to continue to work where the money is good but again, no passion. I have for over a year now beginning to shift my professional path as a nurse to a more holistic path, something I AM passionate about – but no promise of what this will look like financially. So what I am noticing is that my oldest has now began talking about getting a job over the summer so I can see a glimmer of responsibility beginning to bloom. In order to provide him with a car I would have to stay in a job that feels safe and boring and work MORE…I just cant do that. I will always provide their needs (housing, food, clothes, time, and attention) and will happily HELP them but not do it for them. I bought my first car at 18 and I remember how proud I was of myself, “I did that”. So what else can I do? I remember the first time I got an apartment all by myself. Again…look at what I did. Wouldn’t it be selfish of me to rob them of this experiences? I want to show them what is possible when you make a plan to move towards what lights them up rather than handing it to them. If you read my reply I appreciate you taking the time to do so. Enjoy your day!

I’m sorry for the emotional struggle you’re experiencing! As someone who has struggled with depression, I urge you to find a way to cope with those feelings immediately. It’s so hard to make good decisions when we don’t feel confident, secure, and whole. It sounds like your partner is a wonderful man doing his best to be good to both you and his son. I can understand the guilt a parent has when they cannot shield their child from difficult situations and thus, we go overboard to try and make up for it. There is a multitude of research that highlight the negative outcomes of overindulging children — they’re less able to cope with stress and are at higher risk for dangerous behaviors later in life. Reading this research impacted my own parenting decisions dramatically. I don’t believe in trying to change other people, but I do believe in sharing information and good communication. Perhaps if you shared some of the research with your partner (either reputable articles or books) he might be more receptive to some of your concerns. I’m obviously not a professional in this area, just sharing my thoughts as a mom, partner, and friend. I hope whatever choices you make for your future lead you to happiness.

I’ve been reading this with tears streaming down my face.

My partner (male, aged 34) has a son (age 7 in 2 months) who spends every weekend apart from every 6th weekend with us, plus my partner sees his son 2 – 3 afternoon/evenings per week (in his son’s home town).

My partner had a difficult marriage with his sons’s mother; she was alcoholic, abusive and controlling to my partner.

This Sunday my partner and I spent about an hour gardening together while his son was also in the garden with his radio controlled car, needing a lot of encouragement to play by himself and not keep wanting his Dad to go and play with him instead.

My partner said to me “do you know this is the first time in our whole relationship (just over 2 years) that we have done something together – just us when (son’s name) is here?”

2 years I’ve been sidelined by my partners son basically every weekend. Not only that, but during this time I have experienced severe ill-health now considered disabled with numerous conditions. So, spent many weekends alone in my bed feeling dreadful not being able to walk and not wanting to be alive, having only my meals and drinks dropped off by my partner (which I absolutely do appreciate) only for him to hurry back to his son.

I don’t know what to do now. I feel so sad that this was how it has been for two years and I didn’t even realise. My partners son is so clingy and often controlling of his Dad, my partners son constantly talks and dominates every conversation or place where we go.

I am just so sad now. My partner and I are trying to have a baby, but now I’m not sure this is a healthy relationship to even continue.

In a nutshall:
Spoil your kids, raise your grandkids.
Or
Raise your kids and spoil your grandkids!

We will always be parents to our children, even when they’re adults. So, you can start now by doing the things under the heading, “What To Do Instead.” Although, your kids are grown, a lot of it still applies, just adjust the examples for your current situation.

Mike, Go back and read the article again. I am assuming you don’t have an actual structured life if you are forgetting how to take care of yourself first to nurture and care for your own kids. I think you are missing the bigger picture… You’re kids will not develop anything without being shown a better way then what you have become, so at this point and time kids are not a priority you have to understand that if you are not caring for yourself then your not caring for your kids any better by giving them something to look up to your look forward to in life without you.

“Your child is never going to care what you do for a living.” Exactly. They are never going to care if you are unemployed or unhappy at work, either. Only you are going to care, maybe your spouse. And if you neglect parts of yourself because you believe your child loves you unconditionally, wait until you’re too poor or unhappy to handle life, or until your child is a grumpy teenager or leaves the house, or until your spouse leaves you for somebody that still values themselves… That is precisely the reason why you should prioritize yourself and your relationship as well, not only your child.